It all Boils Down to...(Part 1)

I suppose it's rather simplistic, maybe even naive, to think so but it seems to me that most every difficulty we encounter in life (if not everything) boils down to faith, or the lack thereof. Part 1 of this essay will tackle just one example, for the sake of brevity.

Though I don't recall how long it lasted, I think maybe a year or two (maybe more), there was a point in my marriage where I was sorely discontent. I blamed Gary for our financial discomfort, for my life and family not being what I had imagined it to be. I (in my mind) criticized his Spiritual leadership, and many other things. Even though I never verbalized my frustration and disappointment I know it showed it my attitude and interactions with him. I let these thoughts run unchecked in my mind and they drove me into a deep depression. I don't know how successful I was at hiding it but no one every confronted me about it. I had myself pretty fooled too, I could handle this, I could adjust, I could ignore my feelings and just keep chugging along.

Thankfully, God was not content to let me continue on this way and I continued to worship him as best I could, I refused to walk out on God or my family, no matter how hard the temptations came at me. I'm not saying that was my own will that saved me from temptation but God faithfully at work in me.  (It is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Phil 2:13) Over time and through a number of different books I read during that time I realized that my discontent or anger wasn't with Gary at all, but God. How dare I be angry with God? I couldn't admit that to be true so I had to blame Gary. Either him or me. Gary was more convenient so I continued to direct my frustration at him. Still, God faithfully, tenderly worked in my heart to show me that I wasn't having a marital issue, I wasn't even having a depression issue, I was in fact, having a faith issue.

I was having a "crisis of faith" as Henry Blackaby calls it in his book: "Experiencing God". I had to come to grips with the fact that I was looking to Gary to do what only God could do and I was blaming Gary for things that God was fully in control of.  God had taken us where He wanted, we were care for by God alone and while Gary and I both had a responsibility to be obedient to God's leadership ultimately God was at the center of everything in my life. God is Sovereign. God is my Provider. My anger stemmed from not truly believing that God was at work in Gary, in me, and in my family. If I wanted to move forward out of this darkness of temptation, fear, anger, frustration, and depression I had to hold fast to my vows to Gary on our wedding day and to the truth that God both could and would work all these things together for his good.

I don't think it any mere consequence that during this time of darkness that our church  had a vow renewal service on Valentine's Day. I couldn't very well wiggle out of that and admit to Gary and everyone else that I really didn't want to. So I did and I think it was the best thing I could have done, even though I didn't think so at the time. I realized, after God had worked sufficiently in me ,that by renewing those vows when I didn't really FEEL "in love" I cinched up my heart to be obedient and TRUST God with my fears and doubts. (Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path...Proverbs 3:5&6).

So what is your fear? What are you projecting on to a loved one that truly belongs to God? What do you really believe to be true about God? Are you acting accordingly?

The more I know God the more I trust Him; the more I trust Him the more I learn of Him and trust him more...