Confessions from the Sick-Bed

I have a terrible illness today. I’ve been feeling it come on for a week now but it really hit hard yesterday. Today I still feel pretty bad but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. What is so awful about this illness is that I could have prevented it from getting this bad. I could have stopped it at the first symptom but I simply put a up a half-hearted stop sign that failed to do anything and now I am miserable and have to fight harder to regain lost ground than if I’d just stood strong in the beginning.

“What is this illness?” you ask. “What could you have done to stop it? And most importantly why didn’t you stop it?”

All good questions, I’m not really sure I can answer the last one but I’ll explore it. The illness is Iwantitus; otherwise known as the “I want” disease. It is as common as a cold but not always recognized to be dangerous or even an illness. I assure you, it is both. The symptoms crop up innocently enough with a simple desire for something for yourself. Usually we don’t see this as a problem because plenty of wants are very healthy and should be pursued. The way I recognize the bad wants is how I react when I don’t or can’t get what I want. If my emotions move past simple and temporary disappointment into frustration, anger and depression I have Iwantitus.

My first hint that this was coming on was last weekend when I realized I was going to have to plan my day around the needs and wants of a couple of other people. Not a problem, I could do that. There were only two things that I wanted to do and they could easily fit into everyone else's plans. The problem came when scheduling for all these things changed three times in the course of the afternoon. I was able to complete the one task I had in mind and get a gift for my son. But my idea of spending a quite hour sipping coffee and writing kept getting bumped. In true contortionist fashion I bent. I adapted to each new schedule constantly holding on to the hope that I’d get my hour. Well, my hour never came. By the time all was said and done I was tired, hungry and cross. There! My first hint! I was cross. I tried to pass it off on being tired and hungry but that was a lie and I knew it. But since I didn’t treat it like a lie and expel it then and there I am now paying the price.

I was cross because I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do and although it was a little, insignificant want I allowed it to become an issue. Once I did that, I left a gap in my defenses and became vulnerable to this disease. Everywhere I looked I could see things I wanted that were either beyond my ability to obtain or just plain stupid. Then those nasty little demons, Never and Always, started to creep in and we had a full-blown pity party as out of control as those teen aged, house-wrecking parties they show on T.V. and movies. Finally, this morning, when felt myself get angry because my daughter had borrowed my favorite shaving lotion and didn’t put it back where I could use it, I realized how sick I really was and I needed to get a handle on this thing now.

So what do I do? How do you get rid of Iwantitus? Well, that LAST thing you want to do is let it “run it’s course” that could be fatal. Here is my Rx:

• Recognize the root of the problem. I am not trusting God. I don’t trust that he really cares for me and the things that he has given me are good, and enough. I’m not trusting that all the things in my life that I have no control over are under HIS control.

• Remember who God is and how good He is to me. He didn’t spare his only son from death on the cross won’t he also graciously give me all the other things I need? (Romans 8:32)

• Recount my blessings. Scripture teaches me that thankfulness works like a guard on my heart and mind to keep out fear. (Philippians 4:6-7)

• Recapture my mind and take every thought captive and submit it to the will of God. (2 Corinthians 10:5)

I really like order in my life but my life is filled with disorder, especially my little heart-shaped basket of wants. This morning I sat across from God at the table and slid my jumbled-up, trash-filled basket over to him and asked him to sort through it and discard the junk and put only HIS wants in there. Because all I truly want is to be filled with Him.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr